Words. Words words. There are many types of words. All of them quiet untruths that scream out beneath subtle conversation. Those untruths, the reticent lies beneath the things we tell. I love them. I love them because they love me. Or… they loved me. I loved me? There are those words again. Haha.
The Gray is a world made up of these lies. Delicious and plentiful in a self made hell of isolation. They had things called planes, monstrosities of metal and angles and they flew. How? Succulent lies known as Aerodynamics and Physics, and everyone there bought into them. I hate this. So many questions and we answer them with words words words and all of them wrong wrong wrong. And we didn’t question the questions because why question them when the lie was the truth? The lie was NOT the truth, she was nothing but smoke and ash and words burning on paper.
But those burning lies on burning paper, hot and angry and beautiful, were so warm. It was a comforting ignorance in the lies we told ourselves. Magnets. How do magnets work? Haha. We asked but who among us truly sought the answers? Not I, warm in the arms of my lies. Because I was weak in the Grey. Thought myself insane there. But I found solace in that weakness and in that ignorance because I didn’t know I had to find the screaming questions and call back out to them. The Grey had a startling simplicity to life, an easy lie to lie down in and let it take you. Slowly turning over into smoke and becoming nothing. Haha.
But now I am home, not Home because I’ll never be Home because Home was a lie and the lie was in it but the lie is gone and I’m left with the other lies. Oh but those are tasty words. Before I thought myself insane but here I recognize that I am. I am wrong in all the wrong ways but right in all the wrong ones too. No one is right in the right ways, that is one of the lies we tell though. But here in my home away from Home, I am strong. Strong enough to remember. Strong enough to question.
The Grey and its simple lies were coddling. And I hated it the way I loved it, with far too much passion. Here though, in the now and the before, the Actuality. There are mysteries here. Mystery people that tell lies to cover up truths they don’t want to share, mystery words words words others tell to deflect from the questions.
The Actuality has secrets. And I love it that way I hate it, ferociously. There are secrets here that mean so much more than they did there. Secrets truly worth unraveling because behind them is Truth. The Grey was lies on lies on lies ON LIES ON LIES. ALL OF THEM DECEPTIONS THAT I LOVED.
I burned them. I had to. And now I still burn. My home is on fire and I am smoke. I remember the taste of the lies and a part of me desperately wants them back so I had to hide them. Hide my mind and keep the Lie safe, because I love her, and that needs to be hidden, too. Because while in the Grey I was loved and safe and happy. Here, home, in Actuality, I am strong, and I am driven, and I am hungry. I will read the blank spaces between the words read and spoken, find the truths that scream out in that empty silence, and I will unravel them until I know them all.
I hated the Grey for it’s simple lies and how they drew me in. But I hate the Actuality because it lacks answers. It hides the truths so well. But that means I have something to chase, to learn, to eat. The true truths are somewhere here, waiting to be found. But I miss the the warmth of The Grey, it’s simple Lie holding me so close. Before, I never knew what it meant to be lonely. Now that I’m home, I am constantly reminded.
I am hungry. In the Grey, I was always so hungry. I filled myself on lies but now that I am home I am strong enough to realize that I am quite full of lies. I now finally have a task worth my time. I am going to taste the Truth.